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It's been a while since I did an introduction post. (CW for length) 

Hi!

I'm Julie. The cartoon Roo what goes SQVEAK!

I play a ton of videogames and pinball, and I've had a love of them since the 70s... like, arcades were my happy place when I was growing up, so it's kind of obsession-levels...

I also have an obsessive love of cartoons, and that includes a lot of the really corny ones... old HannaBarbara goofy characters, FleischerStudios rubber-limbed black and white 'toons... love that stuff.

I also love weird. Bizzare. Freaky... but still fun.

I draw as a hobby. Sometimes I draw things for others, but it's not my profession, I don't take commissions, and my output is very linked to my depression, which I have a lot of... so a lot of my doodles come from my emotional high points and hedonistic places.

I ramble a lot about introspection and observation. I talk through my depressions, repressions, and agressions. Sometimes it's theraputic... sometimes it's spirally.

I draw naughty things... cartoony weird things... alt-gender things... inflation things... chompy Pac things... furry things... video game character things... anything I doodle like that is behind content warnings, and unless I'm following you, it won't show up in your timeline.

If that's an issue, I get that, but I'm definitely a weirdo. This is who I am and what I do, so it's what I'm gonna keep doing.

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Very old and silly pic of early Julie... who honestly has not changed much in the 10+ years since I doodled this...

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Do you have gender?

It's ok. Many of us either do or did at one time. It's a somewhat common thing, really.

Did you know that you do not need to keep your current gender if it's not working well for you?

You can have more gender... less gender... no gender... all the...

... well, no, you can't have all the gender. I mean, save some gender for others that may want some...

Point is, you get to choose how much and what type(s) of gender you want, and you get to choose how you want to express it.

Yes! You do!! Yes, you!!!

Medical issues, thinking through things (+/-) 

Trying different techniqves to calm myself down during these panic episodes. Still can't find the trigger, but to me it feels very related to digestive issues.

This is not unusual for me to have strange triggers due to digestion... I've had flash-fevers for years when the urge to poo has hit. A flash-fever being no actual fever, but suddenly feeling like my face and neck are flushed and burning up. Never found any cause for that, but it is possible that this is a progression of that issue. It is possible that these panic attacks are some weird mis-wiring that tells my brain I need to fight/flight panic when I need to go to the bathroom.

Every test, so far, shows that this is not at all related to my heart, so I think I need to look at other sources of this.

RT @paimadhu@twitter.com

You really, really want to get that flu shot

The US has never recorded this many positive flu tests in one week vox.com/2022/12/6/23494948/flu

🐦🔗: twitter.com/paimadhu/status/16

Talked with dad, and confirmed that these blood pressure spikes seem to be hereditary... and have both anxiety and food correlations...

He suggested taking the stress pills more proactively, than reactively... and he may have a point... I know that the mental spirals that happen when things are starting to test weird are the worst thing, in this whole eqvation... can't calm down, keep retesting with worse results, freaking out more, shallow breathing, panic, loop to 1...

While I'm waiting for the anxiety meds to be in my system enough to take effect, it may not be a bad idea to just take one of those pills daily, in the meantime...

Calls are going as well as medical calls can, these days... little bit of runaround... little bit of hoops to jump through...

I'm just trying to not stress as much as I possibly can.

Health (--) 

Went back to the ER again, last night after I got home from work.

I managed through the shift, and my body was actually calm and relaxed for the last half of the shift, but as soon as I got home and sat down here, my blood pressure just started climbing. I took a pill, and it didn't stop. My back had an ache in the upper-middle area, my shoulders and neck were tight, the base of my skull was aching, and my ears were ringing.

It got up to 180/100. They gave me more meds at the hospital. I calmed down, and eventually got sent back home with no answers.

All of this is new within the last 2-3 weeks, and it is TERRIFYING.

I'm calling in to work, today. I don't care if this is going to get me in trouble. It shouldn't. I just don't have anything to point to beyond anxiety.

EVERYTHING makes me worry... I suppose that's part of this...

I gotta make some medical calls, today.

((Also, Julie? Let's get this correct, ok?

Taking one of these stress pills is -not- "failing".

We are allowed to take one when we feel we need it, and are not coping well with what our body is doing.

I know we don't want to get addicted to them. I know we don't want to rely on them, since they are temporary. I know we want to save some for emergencies. These are all good concerns...

But don't treat this like a game and treat these pills like the items you save in your inventory exclusively for boss-fights.

Using them is not failing.

It is coping and managing our stress, because we need help with that, right now.

Ok?))

Ok.

Julie-calm-the-heck-down challenge is... not doing the greatest today, but I haven't had to take a stress-pill yet, so I'm succeeding so far.

Noise is really bothering me, today, and though my earplugs/headphones help, but can't completely silence the big heavy machine noises.

Got done with work.

Did some grocery shopping.

Evaded the cops who decided to follow me for going *GASP* 1 mile over the limit.

Got home.

Put away groceries.

Took out the trash.

Cleaned the litterbox.

Making some dinner.

And honestly, I'm feeling fairly good.

After the earlier panic attack subsided, the rest of the night went fairly well, and I'm hoping the new meds make this a less freqvent thing!

Panic attack at work, yay!

I haven't eaten anything, today, but it is possible that this is still related to my food choices, last night. Took all my meds, plus the new ones... possibly, not having food in my system may have been a factor...

The mornings pressure test was high, 135/83, so it's also possible this was going to happen, regardless of today's choices. I'm noticing that the mornings test is an indicator, but I do not know how to effectively lower it, at that point... yet...

The acid-reducer pill will take effect in the next few days. The anxiety pill, in 2 weeks, min.

... just gotta ride this out, for now.

Don't get old, folks. It sucks.

Ah.

Interesting.

These panic attacks seem to be somewhat heartburn/GERD related... in that this is the 3rd time they have struck very shortly after eating... not completely 100% correlation, but enough that I'm going to start tracking specific kinds of foods and, sadly again, cut my portions of rich foods...

... for a foodie, this is pure torture...

It is also anxiety-related, as me being anxious increases my stomach acid... but there is definitely a food-factor, and I do not like this.

Doctor visit accomplished... I'm getting new anxiety meds to try, but I have to start slow and ramp up from there, if needed... and medically, I get that...

I also get some more of these emergency pills, in the interim, which I know do help, so that's useful.

The doctor wants me to go see a therapist, and I'm not sure what good that will do. I know what my triggers are... other people, and I can't avoid those.

No amount of coping mechanisms will change that I have severe social anxiety, but I still have to go out and deal with other people to be able to afford to live.

I also also want to cross the Mari Lwyd idea with the Scotish Kelpie idea, so make it a shetland pony skull that carols for folks to come join it for a festive drowning in the loch... but I'm not sure how to voice it, yet...

Show thread

Also, I really need to work on making a Mari Lwyd puppet (Marey Lewd?) for these shows to be able to be silly and goof off with the attendees and other vendy folks. This show is as much party as it is vending.

The wandering zombie puppet carolers were out and about, again!

The KrampusNacht show went fine... but it was VERY crowded, and I ended up having an anxiety increase because the crowds did not subside for 3 hours solid... blood pressure seemed fine, this was just... I... I do not like crowds, and just couldn't breathe.

Those pills work at cutting through the anxiety fog, fairly qvick! I want more of these, but I NEED NEED NEED to get put back on a general anti-anxiety med, when I see the doctor, tomorrow.

The last few weeks have been hell on my nerves/body.

Today was Raccoon's office holiday party.

It was ok. Free drinks. Didn't know anyone. Managed just fine.

Tomorrow is our final spoop show for the year... a Krampusnacht market in Milwaukee.

I... I would rather the day off, but I will do this, and it will be good!

Doctor visits, this week.

Here's hoping to some better health potential, and less stress on my back, for the future!

On Monday I see my doctor, and get my anxiety meds adjusted, which may be a factor in these panic attacks.

For now, I have those pills, and they do work, and these instances, while scary as heck, are supposed to be non life-threatening... and it's difficult to tell yourself that while you're in one, but...

I did manage to calm myself back down, and things went back to the range of normal after a bit, so I can't say it's not manageable...

... but it STINKS.

I woke up in another of those "panic attacks" 

I do not know what is causing this.

BP was fine, yesterday. I drank a bit more than normal, but wasn't wasted by any means. I ate some spicier/richer food than normal, but everything felt perfectly fine when I laid down to go to bed.

Woke up about 2 hours later in a vivid dream in some weird kind of excited panic with my heart pounding, my arms and face feeling tight tension, and my throat bone dry. Tested at 165/90.

Took one of the new pills, which are very much for that purpose, laid back down and did everything I could to meditate/relax/calm down, and an hour later, tested at 135/78... still higher than I want, but my body wasn't screaming at me beyond my mouth and throat would not stop going dry.

Rested until now, with a few bathroom wake-ups and then went right back to bed...

Resting BP is now 133/77, pulse feels normal, and my throat feels normal.

I do not know what is triggering these things. I had stopped eating/drinking long before going to bed, and there were no indications up until the panic attack, and I'm calling it that purely because I do not know what else to call these, and I HATE THIS.

I hate that happening out of nowhere, apparently may also include while I sleep/dream.

To all Mastodon-admins: seems like there's an attack on all instances by troll accounts. Servers get slow because of it.
They use thousands of subdomains of activitypub-troll.cf. My 'pull' queues skyrocketed.

I now blocked the domain activitypub-troll.cf and all is back to normal. Please check if you're hit too.

Raccoon picked up something at the store, called Cinna-Fuego-Toast-Crunch, which is... well... the breakfast cereal, but with PAINFUL amounts of cinnamon... like those really spicy red-hots that you can only have two or three of before you start tearing up.

Raccoon had one, and it hurt... they are MINE, now...

I...

... I need a white russian to put these in... I may need several... and A SPOON...

... and Saturday morning cartoon videos... almost forgot those...

I just found out that I am a degree away from Jim Belushi...

You have no idea how many times I saw The Principal, in the 90s.

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Dragon Style

I'm a grumpy queer dragon lady and this is my quiet cave for me and some friends.