plurality, non-verbality (310 words)
so i've noticed that i seem to be finding myself without words *a lot* these days... and that usually it's someone else who starts speaking for me
but i'm a lot more aware of the mechanics of it, too, i guess - for example today at the dentist; all she saw was a patient too upset to speak, but what was going on inside my head was at least one system member freaking the fuck out, another one or two desperately trying to persuade hir that it wasn't going to hurt, honestly, and you can do this! - and another eventually stepping in and stating - brusquely - what we needed (essentially, sedation... you do NOT put your hands inside my mouth without either sedating me or anaesthetising me); but by that point she'd decided she wasn't going to do anything with me anyway and sent me home.
all of which is making me think - is this something that has always happened? i get stressed, and someone steps in to carry the load a while, until i can take it back? and if that's so, what's changed?
...because i do kind of feel like at some point elisabeth, the oldest member of our system, went away - or at least, took a back seat. certainly after we dropped out of transition a decade ago, she just wasn't really around as much; and though i thought she came back a couple of years ago, maybe never to the same extent she was before...
i do still feel her around, but - not as close. and yet, in the meantime, we've welcomed at least two other system members; so maybe she took the step back to allow the others their space?
but also... i wonder how much of the way i relate to the world has basically been with a big old internal game of catch?
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