Trying to just figure out if things could have been better. I kinda ran while nobody was at home, with all my things I could carry...
And I keep wondering, "could I do it without hurting anyone".
Then... I remember to consider what my parents would do. And... I have no actual idea of what they /would/ do. I... don't trust "That's how it would normally be done" reply of dad about "If I asked to go, would you let me?".
And bleh. Got asked by address by both of them. Obviously didn't say.
And I don't want to burn that bridge off completely... Though dad's "I'll report laptop stolen to police" (my laptop that was left in dust in my wardrobe for years) makes it harder to believe him, and that he wouldn't burn this bridge himself.
...where the fuck it all went wrong? Was it a shared effort, or was it them just... not caring enough and etc? sigh.
Dunno what to believe and trust.
There weren't physical things except for a recent dad's... threat while holding me down to bed. Otherwise it's just... "do X" but in such a way that makes me feel they don't care about me, but just about the thing being done... for their sake.
And I never felt that mom's sincere with her "I want this because it's needed for you, not just me", Maybe it's because she uses various threats that never happen/would happen, eh?
Bleh. Just rambling x.x
re: Thoughts after leaving abusive/toxic household, longpost rambling (-)
@saphire I think your instincts are probably trustworthy on this one?
Like, first of all, "a dad holds their child down to the bed and makes anything even resembling a threat" is, like ... put that in a frame and pin it up on the wall as proof? Because that is not okay and that is abusive. There is definitely weird shit that went down there, and you didn't say anything about him apologizing.
And, like, even just one clear-cut example like that makes all the other stuff you've been "maybe"-ing about seem that much more certain imho? Most people don't even have to /ask/ if they can ask to go as an adult - the answer would be yes, you can ask to go, yes, you can go, you are your own person and we care about you and caring about you means trusting you to figure out what you want.
Which it sounds like they don't, if - say - your mom's "I want this because it's needed for you, not just me" doesn't feel true. It sounds like they want to feel like good parents but don't care about their actual child.