There, now I've got my writing somewhere that *isn't* my Google Drive.
Yes, I did turn my trans death SVG into a generic "I don't wanna make a graphic for this" image, sue me. >.>
Oh yeah I should post 2022 plans
I don't really wanna call 'em "resolutions" 'cuz obviously those are... fraught. But, might as well put my plans somewhere I can reference easily. Things I Hope To Do This Year, in no particular order:
-Print & deliver the Dimlit Tarot to folks
-Visit Seattle for flirtfriend reasons
-Publish a goddamn research paper, holy fuck I am 6 years into this PhD and I have one (1) review to my name, and I'm not 1st author & it's not even in my field, this sucks shit
-Make a (complete, if not playtested) TTRPG; probably gonna be the Lancer hack since a lotta folks seemed to like that idea, but there was some interest in the weird narrative-first class planning game too. If things come down to the wire, though, I can always just expand TOOL
I think that's it? I legit can't remember if I had other plans, which probably means I didn't (or at least, none worth seriously trying to follow through on). Like, I think maybe there were some thoughts in my head about making some more EiP music, but honestly I just haven't been in a music mood since that burst of energy in 2020.
Y'all have probably seen that I've been getting into making folk punk. I'm happy to announce that I have, at last, Actually Published Folk Punk. https://estrangedinpublic.bandcamp.com/album/quarantined
Special thanks to @BrookeTBigelow@twitter.com for making the cover art! I hope y'all enjoy this sit.
At MFF I did a presentation on some casual research I did about cyberpunk derivatives, giving just a brief overview of all the different kinds I could find. If you're curious about what's going on with biopunk, seapunk, voidpunk, whatever, this presentation probably has some answers for you. Enjoy! https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Nlrc7bmU5Y-mcpqCcAvIg__PlytCdgRD/view?usp=sharing
Dubious late night decisions
Was it helpful? It seems so. Was it reckless? Probably yeah. Am I worried I overstepped my abilities/boundaries? Absolutely, though at this point it's also too late sooooo
Truth be told I don't think the hornet actually cared all that much about my hair, it kept hovering very intimidatingly by my right eyebrow so it prolly cared more about ny piercing, but. It was still cute in a spooky way.
Got peanut butter & some teriyaki jerky, now eating my breakfast PB&J, the world is right again. :)
Daily Sedecordle #101, solution discussion
Deeeefinitely had to get help for puzzle 2, my brain was not able to find the answer on its own.
Daily Sedecordle #101
Utena, ep 20
So that was a wild & intense episode...
Radical Acceptance reading
It's definitely a bit odd reading this book, 'cuz like. I finished the chapter on desire on the bus ride home, and one of the narratives permeating the chapter is what Brach calls a "Vipassana Romance," i.e. a crush that consumes a lot of attention at a (vipassana) meditation retreat. Her solution, I guess you could say, is to accept & sit with the desire, and then watch as it kind of unfolds to reveal the deeper desires, and somehow embracing this is supposed to result in realizing how the obsession with our narratives of how we -want- to satisfy that desire prevents us from feeling how that desire is already satisfied through (for lack of a better description) the transcendental love the world has for itself. I have a really hard time imagining I could ever achieve that last stage, but also like, I'm no stranger to digging deeper & sitting with many desires? In some ways, it almost feels like that practice is a form of sel-harm for me, because I keep digging until I find the entirely internal desire that "feels" the most true, by which I mean brings me closest to tears.
I think maybe the difference is that, at least in imagining a scenario right now, I also imagine a final step of "acknowledging that the desire is unlikely to be fulfilled," and that's actually the story that turns this from a useful practice into self-harm, but I dunno. Even if I don't take that step, it still feels like I'm going to be left hanging, knowing the desire is there, feeling it in my body, and being wholly unable to do anything about it. Like, I'm also no stranger to saying to myself, "This is a piece of me, and it's foolish to pass judgment on it because the judgment won't change it, so I might as well accept it and get on with life." But this same approach has also left me feeling like I'm hollowed out of desire, with no internal drive actually pushing me to go further, to have ambition, etc. I do what I want because I want to, and so many outsiders who decide whether I can live have said that I therefore can't, and that makes me wonder if I've got the cart before the horse here.
At some point I should prolly actually do a deliberate meditation like the ones described in the book, see if that changes my experience at all. We'll see if I can find the time/energy/mental space.
Love it when a bus says "untracked" in the SEPTA app, very reassuring.
Okay I'm moving, only gonna have an hour-ish at Joanns but it's better than nothing and I don't wanna wait 'til the weekend.
Dev bio PhD student.
I'm a grumpy queer dragon lady and this is my quiet cave for me and some friends.