The Dog Also @Inumo@dragon.style

Was it helpful? It seems so. Was it reckless? Probably yeah. Am I worried I overstepped my abilities/boundaries? Absolutely, though at this point it's also too late sooooo

Me: "I am not a therapist, I should not try to apply the things I read to people when I have no formal training."

Also me: *guides a friend through a meditation for about an hour to help deal with some persistent thoughts*

Got peanut butter & some teriyaki jerky, now eating my breakfast PB&J, the world is right again. :)

Deeeefinitely had to get help for puzzle 2, my brain was not able to find the answer on its own.

It's definitely a bit odd reading this book, 'cuz like. I finished the chapter on desire on the bus ride home, and one of the narratives permeating the chapter is what Brach calls a "Vipassana Romance," i.e. a crush that consumes a lot of attention at a (vipassana) meditation retreat. Her solution, I guess you could say, is to accept & sit with the desire, and then watch as it kind of unfolds to reveal the deeper desires, and somehow embracing this is supposed to result in realizing how the obsession with our narratives of how we -want- to satisfy that desire prevents us from feeling how that desire is already satisfied through (for lack of a better description) the transcendental love the world has for itself. I have a really hard time imagining I could ever achieve that last stage, but also like, I'm no stranger to digging deeper & sitting with many desires? In some ways, it almost feels like that practice is a form of sel-harm for me, because I keep digging until I find the entirely internal desire that "feels" the most true, by which I mean brings me closest to tears.

I think maybe the difference is that, at least in imagining a scenario right now, I also imagine a final step of "acknowledging that the desire is unlikely to be fulfilled," and that's actually the story that turns this from a useful practice into self-harm, but I dunno. Even if I don't take that step, it still feels like I'm going to be left hanging, knowing the desire is there, feeling it in my body, and being wholly unable to do anything about it. Like, I'm also no stranger to saying to myself, "This is a piece of me, and it's foolish to pass judgment on it because the judgment won't change it, so I might as well accept it and get on with life." But this same approach has also left me feeling like I'm hollowed out of desire, with no internal drive actually pushing me to go further, to have ambition, etc. I do what I want because I want to, and so many outsiders who decide whether I can live have said that I therefore can't, and that makes me wonder if I've got the cart before the horse here.

At some point I should prolly actually do a deliberate meditation like the ones described in the book, see if that changes my experience at all. We'll see if I can find the time/energy/mental space.

Love it when a bus says "untracked" in the SEPTA app, very reassuring.

Twice now this guy's been like "I wanna license your deck, oh wait I'm not actually in charge though and the decision-makers don't wanna use your deck and I'll wait until you reach out to tell you this." Getting a little frustrated...

Okay I'm moving, only gonna have an hour-ish at Joanns but it's better than nothing and I don't wanna wait 'til the weekend.